My X-rated reality nightmare: How a couple accidentally sent me their deranged sex tape
Piece was originally published on Salon.com, pioneering, award-winning news site.
When applying for a reality show, never send anything that’s requested, without making sure it is, indeed, what you think it is. Case in point: Kristen and Patrick. They were one of many young couples who applied to the reality wedding show I was casting. Kristrick (as I liked to call the duo) were perfect on the phone and in pictures. Although I requested three or four, they sent me dozens of photos, all variations on the same theme. Pat was always wearing muscle tees and had bubbly Popeye arms. He sneered at the camera, but with a smile, as if he was happily up to no good. Kristin looked like she was on vacation, in every picture. Even when she was just in her backyard, she was never without a can of Bud Light or a cup of something red or pink. Her sun-streaked hair was windblown and her skin, the color of cappuccino. They were on my A list.
Read the whole piece on Salon.com
Note: Reader comments were removed
Award-Winning Brooklyn Blog With an Edge
Former Park Slope Kid Will Shoot for His Supper
Former Park Slope mom, now upstate New Yorker, Larissa Phillips likes her food locally sourced, as in it’s a neighborhood deer that her 14-year-old son shot. He just got his hunting license. Bang! Dinner is served. You probably just hit speed dial to order your family’s dinner. Lazy!
She cleverly titled a recent piece in Motherlode, The New York Times parenting blog, “A PARK SLOPE MOM RAISES A HUNTER.” The title of the article is intriguing but, just for fun, let’s see if we can fill in “Hunter,” the last word of the title, with an equally startling noun:
Park Slope Mom Raises A _____.
3) Professional Football Player
See? It’s a fun game. Now, let’s get back to the article in question, “A Park Slope Mom Raises A Hunter.”
First of all this chick is no longer a Park Slope mom and it doesn’t seem like the kid has shot any animals yet. He’s just gearing up for the big bang with a hunting trip next month. Everyone knows the only guns a true Park Slope Mom approves is a glue gun for bedazzling little LuLu’s tutu so the article’s title is a bit misleading but fun, nonetheless.
All the writer’s past shame of guns seems to have come from our little hood as she notes:
One of the few things we mamas agreed on was this: no gun play. Water guns in Park Slope came in the shape of dolphins. There were no cap guns or BB guns or pistol-and-holster sets anywhere north of 15th Street or west of Prospect Park.
Well, I don’t know what kind of pussy moms this Larissa chick was hanging out with when she was doing her time in Slope-land but my kids, and pretty much all of their buddies, have Nerf Super Soakers, not some wussy marine mammal shaped gun.
Apparently she is afraid to tell her remaining Park Slope friends that her son now has a hunting license and she is psyched for him to kill some deer and fill her freezer with venison. Well Larissa, easy solution, don’t tell them. Withholding information is how I get through life. If these are the same people that deprived their children of proper water guns, they couldn’t handle your 360 degree turn around. Just invite them over for a locavore meal with your family and they’ll barely notice the blood on your teenage son’s shirt.
So, when do you Park Slope breeders anticipate getting your kid their first rifle? If you eat meat, do you hunt it yourself with your kids or let Fleisher’s do the dirty work for you?
Sadly, F'd in Park Slope is no more. The good news is, it’s been republished on another platform (with all reader comments removed).
From Everything Fried, my Tumblr of original humorous poetry.
My mom’s a big shot lawyer
and my Dad takes me everywhere
I’m super duper smart
and have movie star hair
I go to Disney World every single year
I don’t sleep with a nightlight, cause I haven’t any fear
I wear the clothes that everyone admires
and you’ll be sure to notice my brand new bike tires
I make sure kids notice me and all the things I’ve got
So what if Maya Pringle calls me a Little Snot?
I’m not like her, Ol’ Bottle Eyes, needing thick glasses just to see
My only question is How Come No One Wants To Play With Me?!